Becoming Jewish Adults
December 10, 2009
On a Shabbat morning not long ago I sat studying with a group of parents. They all had children in the seventh grade, who had recently or were about to become B’nai Mitzvah (plural of Bar and Bat Mitzvah). The topic: what role can parents play in shaping their child’s Jewish education, in guiding their Jewish journey after the celebration of Bar or Bat Mitzvah?
According to some parents the answer is, “none.” They take seriously the sentiment behind the traditional prayer uttered by the parents of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah, thanking God for relieving them of responsibility for their child’s sins. This blessing has been dropped from the Reform liturgy, but the idea behind it persists: at thirteen years (some say twelve for girls), a child is eligible to participate as a full member of the Jewish community, and is considered of age to take responsibility for his or her own conduct. The shorthand for this outlook—and I have used this language myself—is that becoming Bar or Bat Mitzvah means becoming a Jewish adult.
Most parents take a somewhat nuanced approach to the idea of their B’nai Mitzvah being Jewish adults, and to the question of their role in their child’s Jewish life going forward. Our adolescent children, after all, are far from adults—and everyone, including them, knows it. We do not allow them at this age to drive, drink, or even vote; we do not expect them to support themselves financially, or live independently. Why would we expect our children to determine their own course, unaided, for something as sophisticated and challenging as building for themselves a religious and spiritual identity?
Still, many parents, wanting to approach their teenaged children respectfully, with consistency and integrity, find themselves struggling with the question one parent voiced to me on this Shabbat morning:
How can we tell our children one moment that they’re Jewish adults and the next moment that, Jewishly speaking, they still have to do what we say? And if Bar and Bat Mitzvah does not mean becoming a Jewish adult, then what does it mean?
One could teach a whole course on this question, and I’m grateful to the parent who asked it for prompting my thinking about it. Briefly, however, I will say that we probably should stop telling our kids that becoming B’nai Mitzvah means they have become Jewish adults. Why? Because we live in a very different world than our ancient and medieval forebears did.
It has been said of American Jews that we are all Jews by choice. There have been times and places not distant from where we stand today when this was not the case, and being born a Jew (all the more so converting to Judaism) meant a certain kind of life, within a clearly defined community. In our post-modern, post-denominational world where diversity is valued and freedom too-often assumed, many of the adult Jews I know have not fully answered for ourselves the question of what it means to be a Jewish adult.
What we do have, all of us who are B’nai Mitzvah (that is, thirteen or older), are the tools to learn how to be a Jewish adult, to wrestle with our heritage and decide for ourselves what are the obligations and privileges of our rightly and much celebrated status. Using those tools means a lifetime of Jewish living and learning. Not just for our children, but for all of us.
